Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Letting go

For the first time in a long time I let go of the guilt. It started last night in anger. I've been mad about a lot of things. I've felt that the world was against me, that God was against me. So we had a little conversation. Lately I've had my doubts and my questions about life, existence, and purpose. There are millions of doubters out there if you want to research the stuff. Youtube clips, websites, and even blogs that specialize in debunking their so-called myths and enlightening us with their so-called truths. All I know is what I feel. Last night I felt a huge weight lifted off of me. The guilt and pain I carried around on my back lifted. I crumbled to the floor in tears. There was a lot of anger and guilt inside.

A girl online the other day called me emo...whatever that means. I think I'm a generation past emo, but if it means I've been especially melodramatic then fine. I agree. I have been way too concerned over things that I'm discovering were not worth being concerned over. Emotions and feelings I was expressing were not being matched, or maybe even felt by the one I thought shared them. I blamed myself for the way my last relationship ended. I wasn't open enough. I didn't express myself. So I created a blog and wrote all my expressions. I wasn't committed. However ridiculous that argument was, afterall I had just taken her to Europe. If that doesn't show commitment in a year and a half together then I guess I'm hopeless. I was opposed to marriage. I never said that. I only said that it was too soon to discuss seriously. Maybe that was my downfall. I always wanted a wife and children, I just thought being single so long it wasn't really an option for me anymore. I've seen the light on this one. I know it is possible and I do aspire for that when it's time.

I made the mistake to keep reaching out when there was no longer anything to grab on to. I still felt it. I thought it still existed. Instead of the response I had hoped for I once again got the door slammed in my face. I've made my last reach. I realize that it was probably one too many. There won't be a fourth. I'm done.

I'm not upset though. That is the craziest thing. I'm over it. I feel like the guilt has been cleared from my conscience. I no longer hold that sole responsibility I was carrying on why things didn't work. Sometimes things just don't work. It is not necessarily anyone's fault. People just don't mesh. What we felt was true isn't anymore, maybe it was once, and maybe it wasn't at all. I think the lack of answers always bothered me. But, maybe the answer is there are no answers. It just is. I've had to accept the just is answer a lot lately. I want to dig deeper and fight it but in the end the only one who suffers for that effort is me. I'm letting go. I can't hold onto to something if there is nothing to grab on to. I can't dig for something that doesn't exist. I accept that life just throws us curveballs. We can swing away and knock them out of the park or we can fall over flailing in the attempt. I'm just going to take the pitch. Next time I'll hope life throws it down the middle.

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