Friday, August 27, 2010

Birthday Blog..Happy Birthday sister.

There is a little bit of a delay on the card and gift, the delay being neither are on the way so all you get is this measly blog entry to you. You know the factors: the recession, laziness, overall Jon-ness. Not to be confused with Jonas. I am not one of their brothers, otherwise it would be a hell of a birthday gift. "You see that car outside your window Kim??" Well it's not yours, cause I'm not a Jonas brother.

I was lucky to have a great sister like you growing up. Even the times when I was the obnoxious little brother following you and harassing you in front of your potential boyfriends. The eight year difference definitely had the effect of me getting my way a lot more because you were the ground-breaker so I appreciate that. And who could forget all the hot cheerleader girlfriends you had and the coolest backyard parties in the neighborhood. Even when one of your friends hustled me out of my "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Oryndorf wrestling figure and I cried like a little girl, I still had fun. It wasn't a bad place to be. And yet I'm kind of glad I had an eight year window to go to high school after you so that your popularity had faded in the distance while I strolled into Madera High with my bottle cap glasses. Ha, that's kinda sad.

I remember the little yellow house in the backyard in Madera. I think grandpa built that for you right? If it was dad, wow I'm terrible...someone built it. All I remember is that for you in was this playhouse and by the time you out grew it it became my fort. I think I did more damage to that little house in a couple of years than you did in several. I think by the time I was done with it they had condemned the building.

I remember random things. Like my friends in the backyard at Phillip's house. When you came looking for me because I was in trouble, I don't remember what I did but I'm sure it was bad. My friend Joseph started singing "Whoooa here she comes, watch out boys she'll chew you up...whooa here she comes she's a maneater." We were like eight. I don't even think he knew what the song meant. I just think he knew I was in trouble!

I also still feel bad for that time we were at Long's and you wanted to go inside and get some things in the store and I didn't have shoes and wouldn't go in. You tried to bribe me to go in but mom and dad wouldn't have it. You had to stay in the car and watch me because I wasn't budging. Isn't that ridiculous to feel guilty about something so random? Yet I remember these things. Somethings stay with us longer than others even if they make no sense to remember at all.

I followed your lead though. You got the the chevy sprint car first, then I got one. You got the bank teller job at BofA then I did. You were a cheerleader and I like cheerleaders. But you have always been the responsible one and I'm definitely not that. You've got a beautiful family, a great house, and a very full life. I'm proud of you sister. I love you and I wish you an awesome birthday. You better go out and celebrate.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Textaholics Anonymous

"Hello, my name is Jon and I'm a textaholic." That's it, I'm halfway to curing my affliction. I'm on the road to recovery. I'm... hold on I think I have a text...nope, false alarm. Alright well I need this group because I am definitely an addicted texter. I text when I drive, I text when I'm drunk, I may be on nyquil, half asleep, fully asleep (real talent), and just way too often. I forget what human voices sound like I am too busy texting. I need to read the steps and develop a healthier way of living because this isn't working...wait, is my phone blinking? No, it's the glare.

I've had embarrassing escapades via text. Almost as bad as Mikey making those repeated calls in the movie Swingers to that answering machine. I can't even watch that scene it is so desperate and painful to view. Yet while I have not called a girl's machine several times in a row in order to say the perfect message and end up sounding like a complete dumbass, I have sent the texts. I've sent the texts and then another, and then another. Hello idiot, if she doesn't respond to the third one stop sending...oh damn, four, five, ...maybe. Yeah take the phone and hurl it. Mikey baby, I'm with ya.

I wish there were books on texting etiquette. Is it ok to text this time? What is the proper thing to text in this situation? How long should I wait to reply to that last text? I'd read all of them: The Power of Positive Texting; The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Texters; Guerilla Texting. You name it, I would be all over those. I need guidance and direction cause I'm an addict.

I can't be alone out there. There have to be other addicted texters with worse stories than mine. I have to hear them so I don't feel like the biggest loser in the room. Where is this meeting?! I'll even pour the coffee and get a sponsor. I'm committed to recovery, but I need to hear about the guy/gal who lives under a bridge because of their text addiction. Maybe that will knock some sense into me.

It was so much easier, you know, before text. Now you have to decipher what they mean when they say something. What does that mean? Is she/he joking? Is that playful? Or do they really want to get a restraining order on me? I can't read the signals!

So there we have it, Text Anonymous..not to be confused with Facebook Anonymous. Cause baby, that disease is incurable. Have a great, text me. : )

Monday, August 23, 2010

It was epic

Well not the tennis. The tennis match yesterday between Sam Martin Jr. and myself will not be replayed on any highlight show. First off there was Sam's really strange Tears for Fears classic blasting on his car stereo as he approached the courts. And then there was my game that resembled a groupie at one of those late 1980's concerts. Yes, Sam beat me in biblical proportions. Well technically I was ahead 5-3 and serving for game when my abilities capitulated in biblical proportions, like Lot's wife my game turned to salt. I went from a crisp fresh apple to some deep fried Burger King french fries. The final, 6-5. Sam with the monumental comeback and Jon looking to borrow Sam's classic Tears for Fears CD. I think Everyone does want to rule the world.

So today I am closer to working again. September 1st. I will be playing Earth, Wind, and Fires "September" driving to work my first day, that I guarantee. For the remainder of my time off I'm going to complete all the pre-hire material they keep emailing me every five minutes. I think this company knows more about me than I do. They may already be keeping tabs on my blog so from here forward it shall be known only as "The company thou shall not talk of". It's kind of like those creatures in the Village, but much more frightening. They wear suits and ties and if we've learned anything from the last few years of this economic Chernobyl that is a hell of a lot more impactful than a quick death by some giant hooded rat-like creature.

How was everyone's weekend? Good? This weather..amazing huh? How about that I am working on my corporate small-talk. I'm a little rusty. So where were we? Tennis? I think I finished that topic. Job? Plenty of time to talk about "The company thou shall not talk of", so what next? Ah..politics. Of course. I've managed to steer clear of the old politics for fear of alienating my sole reader on here. Not really sure which way they sway politically, but it's high time we made a stand and shook up the views of the common man. About that mosque?...Um yeah, about that. I uh, just find it hard to approve your permit on the condition that hard-core disciples of your religion, um sort of flew two planes into these buildings down the street about ten years ago. Yeah, um, not really sure I can approve this based on the fact that you have taken so many lives and your religion is not the peaceful establishment you claim to be. I don't know about you but if I left a job and threw my computer out a window and punched my boss in the face walking out the door I somehow am not sure they would hire me back...even ten years later! I'm all about forgiveness but take your forgiveness to another part of town and don't put it on your resume that you did that. Because I sure won't get hired and they should not be putting a mosque there. To me, this doesn't feel like a right or left issue, it feels like common courtesy.

Ok, the politics portion is out of the way. How about sex? Good? Yeah? Ok well I don't really have anything to talk about sex-wise. I just wanted to veer to that direction because you know it's a nice topic. On Entourage, Vinny Chase's girlfriend is a porn star. I guess Speidi is coming out with some new sex tapes and it appears all staged. Man, Hollywood ain't what it used to be. You used to have to hide all of your sexual appetites from the public now you can't catch a break unless you let it out. "I like your reel Stacy, great head shots..but where is your "real" reel??" She'll be hosting the Emmy's in two years.

I don't have too much more today. I have to fill out some forms again. I think fifteen more have hit my inbox since I've started this blog. Just wanted to emphasize the fun I had yesterday in my tennis beatdown. Also that the mosque is not a good idea to me, and I think that without love and a promise land, we're fools to the rules of a government plan, so kick out the style, bring back the jam!