Last night I had a dream about a wedding, my wedding. The church was filled with people the bride was waiting and I did not have a tux. I was completely under dressed for the event and one of my groomsmen Terry, my brother-in-law, had a tux but wouldn't lend me his. He said to just go out in what I was wearing. I scavenged through a bedroom closet looking for anything that resembled a tuxedo. I woke up before I got my conclusion. Maybe I've seen too many Facebook wedding pictures, or maybe something else is at work here. And why did I already see the bride out there waiting?
I've always thought marriage was an institution I couldn't get behind. The big charade with photos. It seemed like a way to gather people you see once in five, ten, fifteen years to celebrate a union that the state now says is official. As if your love for that person wasn't real enough until you put on the show. I've seen the shows and I've watched them not work out for people close to me, so I wondered what the big deal was all about. I honestly felt that it was not for me. That I would never marry, and possibly never find that woman to marry. The idea that marriage is any harder than it was 30, 40, or 50 years ago is an excuse I give myself to support this reasoning.
I've heard the stories of friends who were or are married and they didn't sound promising. Many of them bitched and moaned about there situations and how they wish they could still be single. I took that to heart as a first hand account of marriage. The older I get though I realize I didn't make these observations myself. They were second hand stories from people who may not even have felt the way they expressed. They had their "big show" and their own first hand accounts of what went wrong. Or maybe it's human nature to hold on to our independant spirit even after we are joined in matrimony. Maybe that wishful thinking is that voice being heard.
I never understood why so many women clamored for their wedding days. To me it just seemed like it was an opportunity for them to get dressed up in a fancy gown and be the center of attention for a day. That was my cynical belief on their desires. Then I realized that the true desire is hope. Weddings are the last truly hopeful event for many people to attend to. It's an optimistic event filled with promise that inspires people. Maybe this will last. Maybe they will live happily ever after. The wedding is a public viewing of their commitment to each other. I get that. Even if I believe that people jump too soon, or wrongfully, into marriages who am I to pass judgement. I open up more to a blog in internet land then I did to a woman who I was with for a year and a half of my life. My walls to protect myself were so thick that when it all ended I didn't even realize that it had been like this for months.
I sat last night in my hot tub. The tiki torches were waving in the breeze. The gorgeous stars were above me. I had a very tasty cold Corona in my hand. My lap top was sitting nearby playing music from my Itunes. First it was some up beat Michael Jackson "Rock with You" but then it drifted to some Otis Redding "These Arms of Mine" and "Pain in my Heart" and finally that damn Eric Carmen song "All by Myself." Why have I not deleted this song already?! This is a lonely existence, the solo journey. I always thought I needed to be somewhere and be someONE before I could marry someone. I have goals and visions of where my life is supposed to be but as the years pass and the goals aren't realized when do I create a life that is fulfilling. Maybe someone in my life would inspire me to achieve these goals. I don't know. I woke up this morning and knew I had to blog this but now that I have it's all the more depressing. Not really an upbeat Labor Day weekend message. So let me see if I can tie it up all together here at the end.
Labor Day was established for workers in 1882 and became a federal holiday in 1894. We celebrate it as the end of Summer. Marriage is work. It's a beautiful union between two people who have to work to sustain it. It makes the journey of life a little less lonesome and maybe even helps them become better individuals in the process. While summer ends and fall and winter begins the holidays approach. Nothing sucks more than being single for the holidays. Yeah how is that for an upbeat send off?