Monday, October 11, 2010

A boat, some tar, and a few words

Business Statistics and Business Operations should be my primary focus, only they aren't. I can't seem to motivate myself to tackle them. I am stuck. Stuck between the drive to finish and the desire to stay here. Stuck is a place I've been a long time in my life. Not sure what the next move will be, hoping for inspiration but also knowing if it comes there is a good possibility I will let it slip away. For a while I was able to use a job to distract me and then a relationship, and well now I have neither so I'm really stuck. Like the Brer Rabbit with the Tar Baby, the more I try to change the more things stay the same and I get even more stuck in the process.

I say I want to be a teacher then I watch the show Teach with Tony Danza and see how miserable the job looks. How the heck could I teach anyone? And if I'm a teacher what does that say about our educators? I certainly haven't learned anything myself to be a teacher for others. I am barely making it through this thing called life as it is. I am pretty sure I no longer have the stomach for banking, at least in its current form which has become more of a sweat shop than a respected industry. Gone are the days when there was dignity to the profession. I think I need a job where I can respect myself in the morning. Of course, a job period would be nice. It is hard to accept being a full-time student at 33, when I have worked my entire life. I just can't wrap my head around it.

My ex-girlfriend's sister's wedding was yesterday. I was supposed to go on that trip to Boston with her and her family so that was a weird feeling and maybe why I was in such a bad mood yesterday. I don't know, it's been several months and I guess this is supposed to get easier, but it doesn't. I guess I'm eventually supposed to feel better, but I don't. I'm not doing really well in this game of life lately. I wish I could get sent back to the minor leagues and improve my game and come back up when I'm ready. I'm not sure where to start though.

Statue of Christopher Columbus in Barcelona
Today is Columbus Day and whatever you feel about the man personally, and over the last several years his image is taking a beating, he was a great explorer. He may have been a horrible human being, but his accomplishments in exploration can't be forgotten. He did not discover North America, the Vikings did that in 1100, but he did set sail and land in the Caribbean. He bravely took a ship overseas when the chances of survival were not always guaranteed. It took over two months of sailing to reach landfall in 1492. While I travelled Europe I saw the statue of Columbus in Barcelona. It shows him looking out into the sea, even though he departed on his journey from southern Spain. He did however stop over in the Canary Islands as did we, so I feel like I almost joined in the journey, except that I was in a plane flying overhead 520 years after the fact.

Even knowing the atrocities of his actions we still must admire the boldness of his journey. He may have believed he discovered Eden or thought he was closer to China then he really was, but he took a voyage most men would never dare. Whether his discoveries deserve a national holiday is not the issue, it is his courage to undertake it that we have to appreciate. I'm envious of the time when such journeys meant something and wonder what there is left to discover now. It seems the journeys are either in outer space or in our head space that we have to look forward to. Personal discoveries within ourselves, but what if we discover that what is up there isn't as grand as we once believed. What if the genius we thought we had inside of us is merely some island south of North America. What if there is no Eden, and it's just tar.

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